You are worthy of being heard.
I can’t say that. It might upset them.
I don’t want to rock the boat. I might end up alone.
I can’t speak up for myself. I must keep others happy.
I don’t feel heard. I must be seen and not heard.
I don’t feel understood. I’m too out there so I best keep quiet.
I can’t say no. I have to help them.
Have you ever said any of the above?
These were all true for me. As a chronic people pleaser and fixer.
I was putting everyone before myself. I never said what I really thought for fear of upsetting people or having them not like me.
I suffered a trauma and had PTSD. Yet I couldn’t tell anyone until 18 months after it happened.
I wanted to tell someone so many times. But I could not find my voice.
I couldn’t find my voice to speak up for myself.
I couldn’t find my voice to say what I needed.
I couldn’t find my voice to set and reinforce my boundaries. I had none.
I had closed my heart. And my voice wouldn’t come out.
I have spent so many years finding my voice. And now at 32 years old I’ve found it!
How did I find it?
I started slowly.
1. Listen to yourself, allow yourself to feel and say what you really think to yourself.
Everything starts on the inside. So, part of the problem was that I was ignoring myself. I wasn’t listening to my inner voice.
To change this, I started saying how I really felt without judging myself. I would say: ‘I feel sad and angry. And I love that.’
When we can honour ourselves and how we are really feeling. And love it all. Just allow the feelings to come out without judgement.
It allows us to accept them and then we can transform them. And transcend or move beyond them.
2. Have a conversation with the person who is challenging you — in your head!
I was forever scared to rock the boat as I had a deep-rooted fear that I would be rejected and end up alone. Yet I would end up angry and resentful as the emotions were stuck inside.
I didn’t know how to express myself authentically. And people aren’t mind readers so unless we communicate from our hearts they don’t know what’s really going on.
This is usually a protection mechanism to keep us ‘safe’ but it prevents you from really developing your relationships and connecting to others on a deeper level. It keeps others at arm’s length. As we’re too scared to be open and vulnerable when it really matters.
One way to get the energy flowing, yet avoid starting world war 3 is to have a conversation in your head or aloud by imagining the person/people in front of you. This is great for resolving even long-standing conflicts or disagreements. I’ve used this with family members and my clients love it too.
Imagining the person in front of you, say what you need to say in a loving way, say everything you want to say even if it’s harsh. Honour yourself and your feelings. Speak your truth.
Then imagine the person in front of you hearing you and give them a big hug. Wrap yourself and them in blue light and imagine things resolving.
This technique enables you to let go of your emotions and process how you are really feeling. It gets the energy moving and makes it much easier to move things forwards. The other person will ‘know’ what you have said! Try it and let me know how you get on!
3. Re-connect with yourself and reinforce your boundaries with yourself.
I struggled to say no partly because I had very poor boundaries with myself. I didn’t value my time or my gifts or my energy. I was giving it all away. So, I needed to change on the inside. I started to respect myself. I put in place boundaries that enabled me to respect myself and my energy.
This made it easier for me to set boundaries and start saying ‘no’ to those around me. I started saying ‘yes’ to myself. It was hard at first, but the more you do it the easier it becomes.
You are also giving those around you, permission to set and reinforce their own boundaries. They start living more authentically too. You’re doing less of what you feel you ‘should’ or ‘have’ to do. And you can be more present and focused when you do things you want to do.
4. Stop Giving your power away and stand in your truth.
I would worry so much about what others thought of me that I wouldn’t say what I really thought for fear of judgment. I was giving my power away to other people’s opinions of me. I was also judging myself harshly.
You are what you love, not what loves you. Once I realised this and stepped into my own power, I found that I cared less about what people thought of me. And I was able to show up more authentically in my life and business.
I stop being frozen in fear. And started speaking up for myself and offering my opinions. I stood firmly in my truth and started to radiate it out. We don’t always have to say it, just being it can be enough.
5. Be lovingly assertive.
We often think that disagreeing with someone or sharing how we really feel is not a nice thing to do. Yes, sometimes telling the truth or being honest can be uncomfortable.
However, we don’t have to be horrible to be assertive about our needs and what we want. Just be sure to own your feelings and take responsibility for them.
Say: ‘I feel….’ Rather than ‘You make me feel/you are….’ –When you own your feelings and lovingly say what you need and what works for you. It opens the channels of communication and creates space for the other person/s, to speak their truth and for you to really connect on a deeper level.
Finding your voice takes time but it’s worth it
It’s time to trust yourself and start listening to your inner voice. Be kind and gentle with yourself, as it will take practice to start speaking up for yourself. It is scary at first but the more you do it the easier it becomes.
It’s like going to the gym to improve your body, the first day and even few weeks are hard, but it gets easier and more enjoyable.
Take time to look inside and see where you need to let go of beliefs or do something differently — listen to yourself, set boundaries with yourself and acknowledge you are powerful beyond belief.
Finally, know yourself.
Love Claire xxx
P.S. If you want to clear your energy, re-balance your chakras and transform your life from the inside out, just message me or book a Chakra Alignment & Energy Clearing Session here: https://www.paypal.me/claireelliottco/69 .
P.P.S Want help building your confidence so you can speak your truth and stand up for yourself and your beliefs? Email me: email@example.com .